Great Expectations or Not-So-Great Expectations?

So, as most of you know, I’m a musician and have college auditions coming up very soon (the first one on Saturday!!) but I’ve been working extremely hard, practicing more than I ever have, and taking on music I never thought was possible for me to play.  It has been an insane growing experience, but up until today, I never thought I would be ready.

I tend to think of myself as the girl that isn’t good at anything. I set myself at ridicuously high standards and expect myself to reach them, and if I don’t, then it’s one more thing I can add to the “Things I don’t like about myself” list. For years this has consumed me. The list of things I hate contains mostly everything about myself if I’m really going to be honest. It was even as extreme as one time being at a class at church, and we did this activity where we went to different stations did something, and answered questions about it. One of the stations was to look in a mirror and write down at least 5 things that we liked about ourselves, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t think of one thing I liked, granted that was at the lowest point of my self esteem.  But the point of this is, we are too hard on ourselves and expect much more than we can possibly do, and it wasn’t til I relaxed and lowered my standards when I was finally happy and appreciated what talents God had given me. 

So look back and take a glance. Are you holding yourself at too high of standards? I know that if I continued to think I was going to be a perfect cello player, beautiful singer, get all my work done at church, look good every day, get good grades, keep relationships with my family and friends, and be the perfect daughter and friend to everyone, I would still be a self esteem mess. I’m not going to lie and say that it changed over night, or that I have completely lowered my standards, because things don’t happen that quick. But I can say, that you have to change the inside of your mindset and change what you expect and how much you let God in. If you continue to try to stop the behavior and not the mindset (or inside) you won’t win. Sorry to be so blunt. But been there, tried that. I encourage you guys to re-evaluate the things you expect of yourself.  If it’s too much, then cut back.  You are only human and can’t do everything, as I learned the hard way.  And God loves you for who you are, not for who you think you want to become.  It took me almost 5 years to realize God loved me, and not the 90 pound blonde hair blue eyed vision I had of who I wanted to be.  My desire is that it doesn’t take you all as long as it took me to figure out. The sooner you realize your expectations are too high and change them, the better.

I’m happy to say today I left my cello lesson with a smile on my face, saying “Ya know, whatever happens at the audition happens, but I know that I have accomplished so much and overcame so many obstacles, and I am happy with where I have come.” and I truly think that going into my audition with that attitude, could win me my audition.

So go take a look back, what are you expecting of yourself? And are you trying to do more than you can handle? Or look a way that isn’t possible or healthy? Remember that God loves you for you, and cares about the real you. I would love to hear what you guys find when you look back at your expectations. I love it when people share their lives with me.

Ashleigh

Ps. Wow this is way long… Sorry!!

To a girl with a broken heart…

I know it’s hard, believe me I do, I wish I could tell you all the story, but you’ll have to ask if you want to hear because I’m not posting the story online.  A heartbreak is a rare kind of sickness, it feels like it has no cure. However, I’m here to promise you, that there is a cure to this awful pain. And the cure’s name is Jesus. He is there with this arms open, ready to give you everything your heart needs to mend itself.  He’s ready with the bandaids, and the tylenol, to make the ache go away. But He is better than those things, because He is the only cure to a broken, unfilled heart. He is the only one that can fill you, and until you let him fill you, your heart won’t be full. So I encourage you, to cling to what you love to do, and cling to Jesus. He will never let you down, or break your heart. He will never screw up, or accidentally say something He doesn’t mean.  He will always love you, no matter what you do. He will never leave you, no matter what you do.  And I can tell you  that until you love Jesus with everything you have, loving someone else is difficult if not impossible in my experience.

Anyway, I hope you know already that I’m here for you. I have a great shoulder to cry on, and I understand what you are going through. And I hope you also know that I love you so much and you have been a blessing in my life. I know it will be hard to trust again, (as I am the queen of not trusting) but God will tell you when the time is right to trust again. Live in Him and find yourself in Him. It’s ok to cry. You are an amazingly strong woman, but sometimes we all have times where we want to be a little girl and just cry, and thats ok.

I love you so much, so so much. And I’m here for you every step of the way. I’m cheering for you.  Get some sleep beautiful girl.

In this with ya, all the way,

Ashleigh

Own It

I was talking to a friend this afternoon about owning my life, and making my own decisions for myself. We talked about how in life there are always going to be things that make life hard, or things we don’t like, or don’t want to deal with, yet we need to take control, because its our life, and our dignity we have here on earth. So I get this text from her, that says, “Own it. Be more of a woman and less of a girl. And never, never stop letting God be your air.” Which I just find to be such an amazing text, something so simple, yet so perfect. I’ve come to find that it’s when I stop letting God be my air that I end up in these ridiculous predicaments, that I normally struggle with getting myself out of. I’m sure I’m not alone in this, so Own it. Own your own life, and make your own choices. From what I’ve seen, people admire those who can be themselves and make their own decisions because they have individuality and uniqueness.  (Easier said than done right? Especially if your a person that has the self doubt that I do.)

So then that brings me to a song during worship today that after today and talking to her, just broke me. The lyrics are “So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures fill my life again. I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, now I surrender.”

I have messed up, I have made bad decisions, and I haven’t always worked very hard at getting out of them. But now is the time for me to surrender, to own my life, and to take control of the messes I’m in the middle of. I know I have God and others by my side, and maybe it’s time to grow up a little anyways. And man sometimes I hate growing up, it take more decision making- but I know it’s worth every step. God is so good. Amazing how He can captivate a nervous confused heart and make it so in love with Him. Amazing how worship can take my breath away sometimes, and I forget I’m even on stage leading. Amazing how God created the way we grow up and mature, and how He helps us through every step. And ridiculous that we choose to push something so amazing like grace, love, and forgiveness aside to do things on our own. And seriously AMAZING how He welcomes us back with open arms…. Great God eh?

Ashleigh

PS. Michele, hope you don’t mind I just shared our convo on my blog, however I love what you said. I love you so much. So much.

Their Eyes Were Watching God

Sorry it’s taking me so long to post, but I just never have anything to write about. And it’s college audition time, so I have been incredibly busy practicing and keeping up with school work.

So, Their Eyes Were Watching God, is a great book. I had to read it for book groups in AP Lit, and at first was frustrated at being gone then coming back to missing reading and having to make up a ton of stuff, but let me tell you, it was a great book. And to top it off, I tend to have a bias about books I have to read for school. I try very hard to hate them most of the time. Some of them make it easier than others. But not this book, this book captivated me.

Anyways, so this book is about an african-american woman named Janie during the time period right after slavery was abolished.  They are trying to find their freedom and their place in life.  Imagine trying to discover what true freedom means after you have lived your whole live in slavery. Doesn’t that sound hard? So the book was about her journey in finding herself and discovering what she wants and deserves in life. Her story was interesting because instead of sitting back and accepting life, she got up and did something to change it. 

Just the encouragement I know I needed, I tend to sit back and say, well thats they way it is and I guess I’m just going to have to get over it instead of working to do something to change it. So often we are unsatisfied with where we are at in life or in our jobs and yet we do nothing to change it.  Janie was an encouragement because she showed me that it takes effort and sometimes suffering or hard lengthy work to acheieve what we want, but you also discover a lot about yourself in the process.  So maybe it is worth all that hard work?

What do you guys think?

I think, maybe, possibly, that I just might um, uh, Trust You?

I was talking to a good friend a couple days ago, and she told me this quote she heard from somewhere…
“True faith is trusting God even when we don’t understand” (I wish I could site this but I have no idea where it came from, so credit to who it’s due, it sure isn’t mine)

Read that again. “True faith is trusting God even when we don’t understand”

Ok if you are anything like me, you are like excuse me? That’s so hard! I mean seriously, I am a total control freak and perfectionist. I like things my way, and I definitely need to always know what is going on. So you want me to trust you when I don’t understand? First of all, me being me, I would probably never admit that I don’t understand. And second of all, If I don’t get what you’re doing, how do I trust you…? Maybe I’m on my own in that, however I highly doubt it.

So here’s where I’m at having worked through that quote for a while. I’m going through some tough stuff to understand right now, I don’t understand what is going on, partially because details haven’t been shared, and partially because I can’t comprehend or accept what has been told to me. But here’s what I have decided: God is so much bigger than it all. So often we say, how can I lean on you right now when I have no freaking clue whats going on? But you know what, you understand more when you trust Him enough to let Him work things out. So perfectionists, get ready to admit that you don’t understand, and come crawling to Him. His arms are wide open, and He’s ready to embrace you and work through things. But you have to admit, Even though I don’t understand, I trust you to take care of it.

Believe me, it’s tough.  I finally gave in to it all about an hour ago after getting off the phone with a friend.  I sat down, prayed, and said you know what God, I don’t get it, and I sure don’t like it, but I know that you have a purpose and a plan and will take care of all involved.

I trust You.

Ready to give in? It’s well worth it.

Papa Smurf

So I have officially turned blue.  I change colors, but the majority of the time lately, I’m blue.  The entire right side of my body is blue most of the time.  I don’t think I have stressed that enough. I am BLUE.  And it continues to get worse.  This morning I woke up, and told my sister I was sick and staying home and for her to call me into school, then I got back in to bed, and she woke me up around 9 to tell me she was leaving, and I was still in bed. Then at 10:30, I woke up downstairs on my hardwood floor, with a huge bruise/bump on the back of my head, and I was blue.  And I have no recollection of between my sister leaving, and me waking up on the floor.

Creeeeeepy right?

And guess what my doctor thinks is wrong with me? I’m dehydrated.  Clearly after 2 weeks of this turning blue business, I am not dehydrated, you know, just my 17 year old opinion, I know it’s not worth much. But people, I am BLUE dangit! This is not normal, nor do I appreciate the bump and bruise on my head from I think passing out and falling? 

So yes, hello, My name is Papa Smurf, and there is something legit wrong with me.

Ashleigh

Ps. I’ll try to have a profound post next time, I still have writer’s block for bloggers. If that even exists.

Writer’s Block for Bloggers?

Is there such a thing?? Apparently so because seriously I have been trying to think up a topic for about 2 days now… 

And I have a very bad case of Writer’s Block and Senioritis mixed together, It’s pretty rough.  So I still don’t have a topic for ya’ll. I was considering telling you guy’s the experience of taking a friend to Planned Parenthood, however I decided there was nothing to say. 

So I’m going to settle with telling you I have writer’s block, and a post will come in the near future hopefully.

In the mean time, how are your CSI life scene investigations going? And how’s that spot shot and hot soapy water working for ya? Share life with me! Please…?